나이박's dried up

ab, a bee

She said that she could smell Swedhsh orchid tree. But she wasn't sure if she could. 

She screamed out some phrases, only 'ph-ehn'sound reached my ear.

"What?"  We silenced for 5 minutes or so.

"That word just come out of my throat", she said, blushing her forehead."A bee"

We discussed on sudden exhalation that seldom comes to us in summer, especially after sunset. We decided to call it a bee, although neither of us don't really like it. It comes just like some mad writer's typing keyboards. 

" At this conference I had today afternoon, I was almost bored to death while my manager kept talking? He presented next quarter marketing plan and stuffs like that I should have listen carefully but I wanted to talk, you know, I really desperately wanted to talk something. Only just I didn't know what to say. A bee never comes to at this kinds of situation. How strange." She stretched limbs into the yellowish air. Summer prolonged the sweetest moment of a day.

"I know. it never comes when you are desperate. It's like..um, very sacred. I feel like when I am in the best mood, with no worries nor rubbish thoughts then it comes to me. A very rare occasion, I can tell."


Sometimes we caught in strange moments. Like accumulated sadness is bursting out forming tears or sigh or hiccups or stomach, emotion triggers physical reactions. A bee is part of it. Pain, depression over helpless state. A bee is the very last and least attempt to pull oneself down to the ground.

"You are not content." I said.

"With what?"

"Being here."

She just smiled and sniffed. Then a fine tune comes up on my mind so I let it out.

Smi the hedgehog

My fist-sized small hedgehog Smi makes kubkubkub sounds when he's satisfied(I guess). For instance, when he smells meal worms and after eating some of them, he kubkubs. 

Put him on my palm, I transfer my warmest, truest love to Smi and Smi stays very still. I believe that animals can read what human thinks and feels, as animal communicators insist. If they are right, Smi is the one who penetrates over my deepest desire, feelings, and momentary thoughts. 

Silly but I believe we're connected in some way. I feel very sad, a sad that is almost same sad as when I saw tired faces in the commute metro. This morning and many other mornings I witnessed Smi trying to escape over a fence. The fence is simply a collection of plastic baskets so he can climb up with his little toes. Keep falling on the back, Smi never gives up. All those past records of finding freedom gives him infinite persistence. 

But what freedom? Smi loves running around. Smi loves to explore, (even to the tiny corner of my room) I don't know if Smi wants a friend-hedgehog friend. 

Smi is so small, so cute, so dependent on me and I feel sorry for that. Being dependant on me. 

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Eating alone in a restaurant

Many things to be considered when I decide to dine alone(or simply fill my stomach), but always, hunger comes first to those many other thoughs so I often found myself complaining everything about the restaurant I randomly choose. I've been eating alone since 2003 in at least 5 cities in the world but it's not a record. 

When I'm with other person whether she/he is my intimate or not, I am willing to go even TGI. Yes I don't mind eating this greasy TGI lunch set, and TGI seems to be the place for more than two people. 

When Im with my dish of *anything* and a cup of water, a spoon-chopstick set, with no TV or book or anything caught my eyes on, my animal instinct emerges. Egg smells fish, the cup is fish too, rice isnt fully cooked, spot a chili powder on the spoon. I can even see how these ingredients been kept in the kitchen. Then I desperately try to move my attention on other thing, (oh I am hungry I wanna finish it without vomitting) background music starts bothering me. The playlist is up to the owner of the place so I have nothing to say if this owner wanted this song to be heard. But I don't think they put on their favorate songs in their place. It seems like they put something 'people may like' on the playlist, otherwise It can't be explained why all the restaurant owners have such bad taste on music.

Well, please don't think you know what others 'may' like. You only know what you like. and even this is not easily atteinable knowledge. 

So I put on my earphone, heard this song while eating gyudong(牛丼) today.

On name

I remember that once I was given a name-a foreign name, english precisely. That was 'Jennifer'. When I was 10 or something, I enrolled an english institute where real foreigners teach their native language. I was very much excited by seeing them, because they made me feel like in a movie, or someplace else like disney land. At the first day of my class, receptionist said go inside and tell my name to the teacher so I did. 

"My name is Ina." 

The teacher, an unfriendly American(or was he Canadian? can't remember) said: 

"ok, and what's your English name?" I was stupefied. 

"You have to choose one" 

That was true- I looked around the room, saw Lucy, Elisabeth, and Steven. I always lack of naming sense and he had no much time. 

"Ok then....Jennifer, you are Jennifer." 

Oh how I dislike this name! But I couldn't protest because I hadn't a better suggestion, so I had been Jennifer on tuesdays, thursday and saturdays. Mom even wrote this name on my bag with a black naming pen.

 
I can't think of another name that may suits on me apart from my birth given name-Ina, thou I didn't like surname Bak. All those cool girls in my school were Choi or Kim or Lee, even Ji. Every year there were always three or four Bak girls, who were not pretty, nor witty. If I were Lee or something, I would have been cool, I thought. Jennifer has exact same smell with Bak. Outraged to this teacher, I pondered on finding names that may suit on me, resulted not a single one. 

If I were Beatrice, Linsey or Cissy, everyone would loved me, I thought.

However Im matured-enough to have some self esteem, accept that blaming on my name doesn't make a sense. 

"What's your nickname?" 

I had to make a choice again when I joined to a lesbian community. Everyone had a second identity there. 

"Well, I'm Ina." Was my answer. Later on few regretful moments had passed by-of not having a nickname. But I had no courage to advert to the world that I'm no more Ina. Oh how life is tough, I thought.

Years later, a skinny, cheerful young Indian boy gave me this name-Chiku. It is the name of a fruit originally, and I liked it. But Chiku can't beat Ina in every way. 

Sometimes, rather frequently I got bored to being Ina. Obviously it is an unhealthy, unproductive, and boring idea one can possibly have. If I were perfectly and fully being Ina, I won't get bored anymore, I think.
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